i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
