The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So many bounce houses so little time
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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