Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
