He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
