god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want to make a zoo with you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
