You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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