i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
