I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
