I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
a search helicopter?!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
