apparently the secret to your success is patron
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize