I hope my margaritas pass through security.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
