4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize