Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
false alarm. still invincible.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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