I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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