Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
