I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
