i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
