I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
