it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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