so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
