Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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