it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
