I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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