does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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