Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
