Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize