my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
They are going to name an STD after you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
