Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
