My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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