I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
