I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
