Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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