I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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