I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
