For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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