Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
