I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
