I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
