Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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