If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
