hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
