I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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