I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
