I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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