i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
