The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
