it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
