the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize