I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
