Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Randomize
