i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
the liver wants what the liver wants
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
