we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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