I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just forgot I was standing up.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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