Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
