So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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