did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
