pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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