Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I want to fling myself into the sun
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
