STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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