He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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