I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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