I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
