Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize