I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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