Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
